aaJOHNNY CHICK, of The Old Market Square, Dartmouth, writes:

I recently sent correspondence to Nottingham Castle (Downing Street) for our great leader 'The Sheriff David Camelot and his Men in Bulging Tights' to glance over thus warning him of the dangers that loom behind the dusty shadows of reality should he continue to try and run this country with deaf ears.

The rob from the poor and give to the rich attitude along with the tightening of thumbscrews on us mere mortal folk of this once Great Britain has worn to a brittle veneer. Oddly enough I had no reply. It was a bit like dialling Dartmouth Police Station except I wasn't given 23 alternative numbers to call and so here it is... How to kill a town.

The Recipe

Ingredients: Take...

1 x small town in Devon (Dartmouth).

680 x Nest featherers sitting in the House of Commons when they get time between other jobs and claiming expenses.

6,000 x Town, county and area councillors doing much of the same.

903 million x gallons x of yellow paint and 8,000 people to spray it on the roads.

35,000 x traffic wardens with a combined IQ of five and an understanding of nothing because they were never prefects at school. Multiply all business rates x two or think of a bigger number

87 x self appointed estate agents wearing white trousers, black shoes, blue jacket, striped shirt and in some cases a coat that 'Columbo' would have rejected 30 years ago, all of whom advise their clients to increase rents while property values are falling.

Increase the park and ride and ferry fees to more than a northerner pays for 20 bottles of Newcastle Brown and four tons of pork pies.

Reduce all public services by 50 per cent including refuse collections.

Give everyone in council and government a nice big bonus, a pay rise, a plate of smoked salmon, a gallon of dry sherry, a pair of greasy fingers (one for each ear), pair of welders goggles and last of all, but not least the compulsory rubber hand on a stick to pat themselves on the back with.

How to apply deadly ingredients:

Sit quietly in a government building making sure you have no idea what is going on outside.

Make sure you tick all the boxes that will not interfere or threaten your job or pension.

Throw all the ingredients into a small town and then wait and see if all the people nod and agree if they do then add more yellow lines, more traffic wardens, more business rates and more rent.

Result in less than a decade...one dead Dartmouth.

More Yellow Lines! For the life of 'Dr Beeching' what is going on in the heads of these thimblebrain, mule-headed, gonking chocolate tea pots who call themselves councillors.

With a warehouse full of parking meters ready to be installed I fear this next insertion of yellow lines is simply to aggravate the town into submission and one day soon 891 parking meters will simply just appear here.

If the council needs more money then why doesn't it install parking meters in all the public parking areas around the council offices in Devon?

Dartmouth does not want or need loading bays, meters, traffic wardens etc. Thank you for the very kind offer to help but take them elsewhere.

Message to all councillors and politicians...

'The days of the noddy dog are over... gone... vamoosed... pimpernelled'... So listen to the people for a change.